Kristen Stewart has said that her “traumatic” experiences in the spotlight helped her grow into a self-assured adult.
The 25-year-old actress, who costarred in the Twilight movies with her ex-boyfriend Robert Pattinson, claimed that during a particularly trying time during those big-budget productions, she simply yelled, “F*** it all!”
“I lit my universe on fire and I watched it burn. Speaking very candidly, it was a really traumatic period in my early twenties that kick-started something in me that was a bit more… Feral. The public kind of burned me at the stake. But that’s OK, I can take it. I’m not dead,” she said.
The Twilight star’s problems started when she was a little girl. She was bullied at school for being a tomboy who suddenly didn’t fit in with her male friends.
She claims in an interview with Marie Claire that, “All of a sudden, it wasn’t cool to be one of the boys anymore. (Suddenly it was), ‘Kristen’s not a girl. What is she?’ And I just died. It was a totally cliched, very real insecure breakdown moment, when I was like, ‘I f—ing hate myself’.
“So many people say, ‘Oh, it must have been so easy for you’. You think because I’m an actor that I didn’t have a normal progression of self-hatred? When I was younger, I really wanted to be with the adults, to be addressed as a grown-up. I was the most open, forthcoming, confident little kid. I’m still trying to get back to that.”
“Between ages 15 and 20, it was really intense,” she tells the magazine in the August issue that hits newsstands July 21. “I was constantly anxious. I was kind of a control freak. If I didn’t know how something was going to turn out, I would make myself ill, or just be locked up or inhibited in a way that was really debilitating.” As it turns out, she did really care what we thought — to a painful extent. “Speaking very candidly, it was a really traumatic period in my early 20s that kick-started something in me that was a bit more feral.”
Stewart said that she was finally able to deal with her stardom and fame after a very public breakup with Pattinson and a controversy with my “Snow White and the Huntsman” director.”
“I’m really proud that I am able to move forward and not fall into every mental crater. That’s a new thing for me. Age has made me smarter and calmer. And it is f****** awesome,” she remarked.
The 25-year-old claims that maturity has enabled her to manage her emotions and has even stoked a fierceness inside her.
“At one point, you just let go and give yourself to your life,” she continues. “I have finally managed that and I get so much more out of life. I’ve lived hard for such a young person, and I’ve done that to myself – but I’ve come out the other end not hardened but strong. I have an ability to persevere that I didn’t have before. It’s like when you fall on your face so hard. And the next time, you’re like, ‘Yeah, so? I’ve fallen on my face before’.”
She adds, “I used to be embarrassed about how I cry all the time. Now I think it’s a gift to feel things. I needed to be slapped down a few times to learn that lesson. But I wouldn’t trade it, to be honest.”
Her new, liberating identity came with a new appearance, including a shorter hairstyle.
“My hair was such a crutch. I looked quote unquote ‘sexy’ no matter what,” she said. “I could hide behind it. As soon as I didn’t have all that hair, I had to let my face hang out. I felt more confident than I had in a really long time. And it felt really good. Maybe to most people long hair is prettier. But then what?”
