Following the dramatic elevator brawl between Solange Knowles and Jay-Z in 2014, speculation arose as to whether the rapper had cheated on Beyoncé. When Lemonade was published in 2016, those accusations about him being unfaithful to Beyonce resurfaced. Then, a year later, when Jay’s 4:44 album was out, he seemed to be apologizing to his wife for his previous offenses.

The 47-year-old rapper detailed why the two decided to stay together after repeated incidences of adultery on his side in a candid Q&A with New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet for T, The New York Times Style magazine cover story.

“You know, most people walk away,” he explained, “and the divorce rate is like 50% or something ’cause most people can’t see themselves.’ The hardest thing is seeing pain on someone’s face that you caused, and then have to deal with yourself.”

He blamed his adultery on his upbringing, claiming he was put into “survival mode.”

“You have to survive,” he explained. “So you go into survival mode, and when you go into survival mode what happen? You shut down all emotions. So even with women, you gonna shut down emotionally, so you can’t connect … And then all the things happen from there: infidelity.”

JAY-Z claims he and Beyonce never sat down and arranged for both of their most recent albums, Lemonade and 4:44, to be marriage confessionals.

“It didn’t happen that way,” he emphasizes. “We were using our art almost like a therapy session. And we started making music together. And then the music she was making at that time was further along. So, her album came out as opposed to the joint album that we were working on. We still have a lot of that music. And this is what it became. There was never a point where it was like, ‘I’m making this album.’ I was right there the entire time.”

“[We were] both extremely, very uncomfortable, but […] the ideal position in the hurricane is right in the heart of it,” she says.

Jay-Z said, “We were sitting in the eye of that hurricane. Uh, maybe not use hurricane because so many people are being affected right now. But the best place is right in the middle of the pain. And that’s where we were sitting. And it was uncomfortable. And we had a lot of conversations.”

He also stated that Lemonade was released before his album so that Beyoncé would “go first and share her truth.” The rapper went on to say that he is “proud” of the album’s popularity and high ratings.

“And, you know, at the end of the day we really have a healthy respect for one another’s craft,” he added. “I think she’s amazing.”

JAY-Z also discusses his tumultuous relationship with Kanye West throughout the honest chat. West reportedly departed Tidal in July amid a money issue, and during a stage rage in October, he publicly attacked JAY-Z.

“I [talked to] Kanye the other day, just to tell him, like, he’s my brother,” he confesses. “I love Kanye. I do. It’s a complicated relationship with us.”

“‘Cause, you know — Kanye came into this business on my label,” he explains. “So I’ve always been like his big brother. And we’re both entertainers. It’s always been like a little underlying competition with your big brother. And we both love and respect each other’s art, too. So it’s like, we both — everyone wants to be the greatest in the world. You know what I’m saying? And then there’s like a lot of other factors that play in it. But it’s gonna, we gonna always be good.”